About 12 years ago. I still can't believe that it's been that long but it has. I was in the laundry room pregnant, ironing, desperate, sad, scared, not knowing what the future was going to hold. John had to gotten this job at the refinery about a year before and started having problems with his hands. We were in the middle of going to doctors. We were seeing doctors at least once a week for a year. We saw all kinds of specialists from Bellingham to Seattle, Neurologists, rheumatologist, psychiatrist, physical therapists, massage therapists, they were a doctor we saw them. John had severe pain in his arms, tingling and numbness in his hands. No one could figure it out. They said he was depressed, it was in his head. They said it wasn't carpal tunnel. It hurt to button shirts, it hurt to drive, he couldn't use a knife. He was dependent upon me to do so much and I was pregnant for most of that time. He had to switch positions at work because he couldn't do his job. We were scared that he would lose his job or have to quit. I thought at the time that I would have to go to work, leave my little ones at home. I didn't know what I could do. I had let me teacher certification expire. It wouldn't have paid the bills anyway. I remember being in the laundry room, ironing shirts crying and praying that God would show us the way and saying that I was willing to do whatever He required. If it was go to work then I would even though I didn't want to. I was willing to listen to Him. Within four months we found out what was wrong and he was able to keep his job. A couple of years later, we were at our whits end with our child. He had failure to thrive syndrome. I was giving him all sorts of food yet he wouldn't eat. Finally someone suggested taking him off of wheat/gluten. I was overwhelmed with how to feed this kid however I became educated with it and he started to slowly get better but he couldn't eat anything with gluten in it. We had been doing this diet for over a year or so and our church camp out came and went. There were all sorts of goodies and food at the camp out. Moms were trading recipes and talking about the snacks and campfire food they were serving in their tent spots. I couldn't feed my child all these foods that the other mothers were feeding their children. All our food was thought out and made specially at home for this camp out. At that time, finding gluten free soy sauce was hard, let alone dough for grilled pizza. There were no muffins or biscuits baked in tinfoil next to the fire. There were no s'mores, no gold fish crackers, no "fun" foods. I came home saddened and angry. I thought of families that had lots of children and I was in my laundry room when I asked God, "Why does my child have to have this problem?" "Why couldn't I have children that were normal like the mom's with lots of children?" Then I realized that I just needed to deal with it, it wasn't as hard as other problems other moms were dealing with. I realized that I had something to learn and I was going to trust God with this too. It was another year or so before we were able to put him back on gluten. Now here I am back in my laundry room, folding laundry asking God about our future. Trusting him to direct our steps. Wanting to hear the voice behind me, saying "this is the way walk in it." I realize that even though we have plans for our future, it is uncertain. The only certainty is here and now. We can't change the past, we can plan for the future but even and hour from now, is uncertain. I am waiting to hear how John's interview went. I am waiting to see if we move to Texas. I am waiting to know what will happen in the next few weeks, few months. I don't know where my kids will go to school. Is it here? Is it in Texas? I don't know. I don't know when we will find out. I just know that what ever happens God is in charge and I am willing to wait, though it's hard.
We are in an interesting place right now. We have no idea what the future holds. Are we leaving, are we staying? We have no idea. We are decluttering the house, fixing things that need to be fixed, and making plans. However we are planning on things if we stay. So Lona tried out for Rangers. We have 48 hours to make a decision about her playing. At least that's what I heard. She is torn. This is a chance for her to play on a competitive team and if she doesn't play now she'll probably lose the chance later. However, she is having a hard time giving up some of her dreams of doing other things such as ballet and piano. I think I would continue having her play the piano but ballet may have to go, at least the trying out for Jubilee, the dance company. The soccer would require some travel, lots of expenses, and about 10 months of soccer. Should she go with it or not? Do we want to get into that whole mind set of soccer soccer soccer? We kind of are already but it would be more so. I am excited for her but at the same time I want to focus on other things. I really wasn't planning on her trying out at all but John really wanted her to and then she was sick for tryouts. She hadn't eaten for about 4 days and went to the next try outs. She left thinking that she did terrible. The boys are excited for her, John is thrilled! Is it wrong that I am torn about being happy and a little stressed? I have questions. How much travel? How long until the decision needs to be made, the 48 hours is probable but not 100% sure about it. How much do we fork out right away? What if we move? Do we get any money back? What is the summer schedule? I'm sure there will be more questions as we have more information. It seems like that is usually the case. I wonder who else is on her team.
A couple of months ago I was asked to photograph a wedding. I said no. I was asked again and again. Finally I consented with reservations. I mean weddings are a huge thing. I just didn't feel qualified or capable to do this. There were times when I would wake in the middle of the night and have my heart racing thinking of do this. However Melissa was so laid back about it and she was confident in my ability; even more confident than I was. John and I talk a lot to Isaac about challenging himself and working through situations where he is uncomfortable. This was definitely out of my comfort zone and I had to do this just to show Isaac and myself that I can also work and push myself when I'm not in my comfort zone. I think that the part that I struggle the most with is connecting to a large group of people and directing them. I often times pull back and get frustrated with how I handled the situation or not seeing something. I still have that challenge and it's one that I really want to work on. Another situation that I struggle with is taking photos in a low light environment. This year I want to work on both of these things. For this wedding I had an invaluable asset, the wedding coordinator. She was experienced in seeing different things in photographs such as a tie not correct or a person in the wrong place. She did such a good job directing people that it made my job easier. So for my first wedding, I am quite pleased and will do this again for the right person.
Some times, ok, most of the time, it is so hard to sit and wait, to be still and content, to wait upon the Lord. About 9 years ago John applied for a position in Spain. I was quick to dream and hope to move. They didn't consider him at all. There were three things that the applicant needed and he only had one. Another applicant had two things but she wasn't considered either. Then Isaac was diagnosed with diabetes. I was thankful that we weren't in a foreign country where I didn't speak the language. There have been other job consideration within the same company over the years. Last year, he looked at a position in England that ended up being a position in Chicago instead. Not what we were hoping for. A temporary position in Indiana but we would have had to stay here while he worked there, again not for us. Then there was Alaska, sounded good but something wasn't right about it. He had only applied to one of those positions. I thought that was it, we were settled here for good. I started planning backyard projects and house projects. I've always had some kind of house project planned but they were minor; paint a room, replace some faucets and door handles but now I started to dream. Maybe remodel the kitchen in five years or have built in bookcases surrounding the fireplace. Isaac applied to the community college and was accepted. I started counting down the years until our house was paid off. Then this position opened up and we talked about it. The night before the application was due John said that he wasn't applying. I was fine with it, maybe a tad bit disappointed but really was ok. I asked again if he still felt the same in the morning and yep, he was not going to apply. Ok, I had put to rest house hunting and moving lists and started thinking about summer projects and vacations. Then at 10 am he called to tell me that he had sent in his application and it was accepted. What happened from 6 am to 10am? I don't know. He said that it just seemed to make sense to apply. Well what can I say to that? We talked to the kids about it, we talked to each other about it. I started to pray almost constantly about this decision. He doesn't have the job but does have an interview. We had to wait almost three weeks to hear about whether or not he would be given an interview; a little hard to wait. Things are starting to change at work for him a little bit. His work load is starting to be doled out, some of his supervisors have offered to help him prepare for the interview and talking about how great it is in Texas for families and for the opportunity. I have come to realize how much I like it here. I love my friends, my church family, my house. I love how green everything is all the time. I think spring may be my favorite time, when in rains gently for the day but it isn't cold and it isn't heavy it's refreshing instead. The cloudy days are followed by sunny days. I love the hiking, the trails, the beauty of this place. I'm scared about the future in a place I don't know. I don't know the schools, the neighborhoods, the culture. Yes, it's in the US but each area has a little bit different culture. I am holding this future in an open hand. I am willing to both go and to stay, to support my husband with whatever decision he makes. Sometimes the fear of the unknown keeps us from really experiencing something and sometimes it keeps us from making mistakes. I don't know what the future holds but I'm willing to do what is asked with a cheerful heart. It can be both scary and exciting, sad and happy, bitter and sweet. I would have these emotions for both going or staying here. The waiting to know is hard yet I'm preparing by cleaning out the house. If we stay I've let go of clutter, if we go then there is less work to do in the end. It's a win win situation. All I can do is wait upon the Lord
